How to Actually Help People

"You can give a person knowledge, but you can't make them think. Some people want to remain fools, only because the truth requires change."

- Anonymous

     It's a given fact that not everyone can be helped, at least not at one given time. As the quote says, you can give someone everything they need, and it still won't help. At heart, that comes down to why someone is in a position to need help, and how exactly they ended up there. It's very important to choose who you invest in wisely. Here are two tests to help maximize your contributions to your fellow people.

      The first test before helping someone is simply their honesty and integrity about why they are where they are. Some may say "how can you tell", or "it's not our place to judge", but hear me out. If they refuse to tell you, or refuse to own their behavior, they're not worth helping until you do. I've no shame in saying that I always require an explanation before I help someone. I want to know what caused the problem, and what their contribution was. It's not necessarily that I want to be in someone's business, it's that I despise being asked for help, and then being told the reason why is none of my business. If I'm being asked for help, it becomes my business. I'm much more likely to help someone who is in that position due to a bad roll of the dice, but much less likely to if it's simply the consequences of their actions. A good analogy are two people asking for money. Both overspent their budgets on luxuries, and now need to get a tire for their car. This first person, now they admit they failed to manage their spending, and agree to have you look at their budget and spending, and set up a plan to pay back the money. The second gives every reason in the book as to why they don't have the money, say it's not your business where their money goes, and actively avoids trying to pay it back. This first person is taking responsibility, being accountable for their actions, and making efforts to return the help. The second is refusing any responsibility for the problem and refuses to be held accountable. One of these people is actually worth helping, the other needs to learn from their situation the hard way, bailing them out will only deplete you and enable them.

The second test is determining whether or not this person is seeking to prevent future problems, or simply wanting to be bailed out. This isn't very difficult to tell. If someone wants to be better, they're going to do three things: ask for advice, be transparent, and work with you until they have it. They want to know better, be accountable, and work to change. On the other hand, someone seeking to be bailed out is simply going to ask, often demand, that you fix their problem, point blank. Now to help people in the long term, the idea is to help them get themselves out of the problem. Think of the old phrase: "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for life." This is the step where most people looking for help bail out, and where most people looking to help back down from their standard and just bail them out. If someone isn't willing to learn to fix the problem themselves, don't bother. They're not in a place mentally and maturity-wise where you're going to add value to their life.

     Now, I want to say, by no means am I saying that such people are beyond help. I'm simply saying that they need to learn some lessons the hard way before they're ready to be helped. Sometimes that's the only way to actually help people. So, apply these tests, if someone doesn't fit those criteria, then immediately back out. Please remember that if people get upset, or even angry, that it's a reflection of who they are. If they act in such a way, then they have lessons they need to learn. You're not a bad person for refusing to, as my mom would say, "cosign their bullshit." Bottom line, if you really want to help people, look for those people desperately trying to make it on their own. Look for those people who are willing to be humble, who care less about pride than progress, those who are willing to put in the time and effort.  Remember, helping people isn't making their life more comfortable, or easier, or nicer. Truly helping another person is simply adding value to their life and who they are, helping them to become a better version of themselves. Stick to your guns, be selective, but never stop helping others in whatever ways you can.